It’s been quite a while since I’ve posted anything. For awhile I didn’t because I had nothing to say, then it became everything I wrote was either whiny or depressing and then it shifted into I was/am just plain losing my mind haha. So I’m staring myself in the face and saying, “Buck up and put yourself back out there again.”
Sadly, I am not magically cured. My mind is still chock full of seemingly endless amounts of land mines that I have been carefully and tediously disarming. It seems like every time I have solved one of my issues I uncover another. It’s been a difficult couple of months but I’ve reached the point where I will no longer allow my self pity to rule and it’s time for a personal overhaul again.
So first thing first, I will now lay it all out there for friends, family and the internet to see. Beware you will be learning more than you ever wanted to know haha!
I screwed up graduate school and am no longer enrolled. I was trying to juggle everything and I no longer have the focus to do so. I am no longer an overachiever and I have fully accepted that. It got worse though. I was living off of school loans and trying to get in hours at work. It was like a never ending uphill battle to get by. Looking at the debt I was in and constantly having to borrow money and no end in sight in achieving my degree, I finally realized that I needed to pull the plug for a beat. At first I cannot tell you how relieved I felt. It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders but then the sense of failure set in. I do not handle failures well. I have this view of myself that I am supposed to make something of myself. I don’t want to be that person that peaked in high school. I will get this degree but I have accepted that now is not the time.
I cannot pay my bills. Every time I get close to being ok, I get slammed with a late payment or an unexpected payment that shatters my carefully constructed budget. I work more hours and I get nowhere. It’s like an uphill battle and I never win. I know am not the only one suffering and that this issue is common among my generation but that does not help to ease my own plight haha. It’s embarrassing to have to ask for help. Then it becomes even more embarrassing when I’m told that I’m terrible with money (No I’m not asking for money, I’m just talking about my problems and I’m thrown this gem). I’m out here in the real world and let me tell you, sister, it’s terrifying. I can’t even remember the last time I spent any real amount of money on myself. I bought a $5 pair of earrings the other day and felt so guilty. I need another job but it’s tough getting that foot in the door. Starting to feel like it’s impossible.
Last year around this time I was just beginning to date again. I became involved with a guy who seemed decent. I still think he’s an ok guy but he did not fully understand my problems and he did not respect boundaries. On a few occasions he pushed me into sex when I was not fully interested in it but on one occasion and the last night I ever saw him, he did not respect me when I said, “No”. He kept pushing and pushing and fear started to pulse through me. I’ve never had someone continue to push when I said I wasn’t interested. Why won’t he stop? What if he gets angry? He used to be a hothead, who got into physical fights. My stupid apartment doesn’t have any locks on any of the inner doors. If I call the cops, I could ruin this guy’s record. I don’t think he’s meaning to take something I’m not willing to share. I think he’s just used to always getting what he wants… All these things are running through my mind and I just want him away from me but fear has me in its grip and I relent… I promised myself that after he left in the morning I would never see him again. I haven’t seen him since. He was honestly shocked the next day when I told him that I never wanted to see him again and when a girl says “No” it means “No”. I scared the crap out of him and rightfully so because he did the same to me. We were both in the wrong. He didn’t respect boundaries and I sent mixed signals all along that made him think it was ok to cross them. I learned a harsh lesson and it rocked my world. Not immediately because as usual, when I experience trauma, I tamp it down until it rears its ugly head. Boy did my boyfriend have to deal with the fallout months later.
So it hasn’t all been bad. I ended up meeting a pretty good guy a few months later and we’ve been together ever since. I fell in love with him. It brought out my insecurities later, although he’s littered with them as well. I let a lot of it slide because we’re both human. I found out that I can have a healthy relationship. I can date someone who is not just supportive but also understanding. However, he won’t be a doormat. I’ve also found that I can be incredibly angry and almost to the point of seeing red and the vicious words are right there but I stop because I’ve realized that I don’t want to hurt him. I truly don’t want to cause him emotional pain. I’ve learned to talk about our problems, not yell out my hurt feelings. He is a dude though, he still doesn’t like to share his feelings and I’m sure there are times that he would totally just prefer us to let things slide and not discuss it to death haha.
My last major hurdle has made everything since Christmas so much worse. Right after Christmas, I had an IUD inserted. For those of you who don’t know, an IUD is a type of birth control that is a T-bar shaped item that is inserted inside the body to stop implantation. I thought this was the best choice for myself for many reasons. I never remembered to take the pill, I was a bear with those added hormones pulsing through my body and IUDs are incredibly effective. It was hell from the first day it was inserted. I have experienced a lot of pain as well as a bunch of other side effects. I made the mistake of getting a type that released hormones. I’ve gained back all the weight I lost, I have acne for the first time in my life and I’m depressed. I thought for quite some time that it was just me and that I was backsliding. I thought it was the wintertime blues but they never went away. I thought I was losing my mind and was starting to self-destruct again. Then I found a blog and a forum full of women experiencing the same things I was and I felt hope. So I’m getting this thing out and getting myself back… At least I hope I come back. My biggest fear is that I really am depressed all on my own and there is not an outside force creating it but I was happy before I got the IUD and was upset a week after.
Alright! It’s all out there. I know it all seems whiny and kinda depressing still haha but I promise, I’m over the self pity. This stuff is bothering me but I own it. It is what it is and it’s not the end of the world. I’ve got a lot to be thankful for. I think it’s time I got back into counseling and I start being honest again. I also promise that my family will not have to read anything this grossly personal again haha. I’ve come to another realization as well. There have been times when I wanted to blame my problems on my past but the entire time I was writing this post, I owned these problems as my own and my own to solve. I’m still a mess but I have evolved in some ways. Thanks everyone!!