Fear and Loathing… Inside my head

I wrote this post last night and in the light of a new day I feel myself saying,”Silly Rachel, life is never as dismal as you think it is. And right now everything is going fairly well.” But here is my post regardless. Me at my most vulnerable.

I am having a “poor me” day. I started this post a completely different way and realized that everything I was saying was all whiny and self-involved. I am experiencing some real personal fears right now. I’m also experiencing some frustrations. I am also human. I should just accept that and get over it haha.

I am afraid of getting hurt.

I am afraid that I cannot juggle my life and that it means something that I can never seem to get it together.

I am still afraid of failing. Failing at school; failing as a daughter, a sister, a granddaughter, a girlfriend.

I am afraid that my insecurities will get the better of me.

I am afraid that I will never be able to function 100%.

I am afraid that even though I am so much better and kind of awesome that a part of me will always be a little damaged. That scares me. It scares me when the inner awful, craziness gets the better of me. When it brings me down and I wallow. When it makes me feel like because of who I am and what I’ve been through, that I may not get the life that I hope for.

I am afraid of that little voice that still whispers once in a while that I’m still not good enough… At least it’s a whisper and not a shout now.

I am afraid that I won’t let myself be happy. Happiness goes away. I find it easier to be happy on my own. The second I add someone else into the picture and feel happiness, that’s when I become scared. Someone else can affect my level of stability… If I let them.

I’m afraid that I will self-destruct and pull everything down with me.

Two years ago, I would have felt these fears and automatically gone numb. Now I am fighting to stay present. It’s making me erratic. Having these feelings makes me feel like I am crazy. I keep trying to remind myself that it’s ok, that it’s alright to have feelings. They are neither good nor bad, they’re just feelings. I also need to stop creating new problems for myself. Worrying about “what if?” is only making me more upset.

I’m not a bad person. I deserve a good life. I just have to get out of my way. I can’t blame any of this on anyone but myself anymore. I accept the blame for my current mental instability and I also accept that I need to find the solution to it. I’m just not sure where to start… Cleaning my apartment might make a little difference haha.

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