Can I go stand in my corner now?

Anyone else who started a new relationship would be over the moon and happy. And I was for a bit. Now I’m terrified. I feel myself entering old patterns and I’m not positive on how to pull myself out. I’m trying to take a step back and look at the situation in a logical, rational way. The negative thoughts are flying around my head making me frustrated and irritated. Relationships scare me. On one hand it’s great to like someone and spend time with him. On the other hand, it’s putting myself in a situation with the potential to get hurt. I’ve had my share of hurt already and setting myself up for more goes against every grain in my body. Sometimes I feel like relationships are a crash test. We’re the dummies hoping the airbags and brakes work so we don’t go flying through the car windshield. I’m beginning to feel erratic, holding all of my scared thoughts in and not sharing them. My biggest fear is that he may not be able to handle my occasional emotional rollercoaster. I mean right now I am full of rage. Mostly, it’s because I haven’t shared my feelings with anyone in a while and my disrespectful classmates made me angry tonight and work is stressing me out and as always I’m scared about keeping the money I do have. He’s seen me so happy that now I’m afraid to be vulnerable and be sad or cry or be angry around him. I go to the dark place less and less now but it still happens. I still have flashbacks of childhood trauma and I still feel bitter sometimes. Can he deal with that? I don’t really believe in soul mates. I think there are a handful of people out there that you actually gel with and then it’s a choice to make it work. I’ve loved a couple of guys by now but one of us or both of us chose to walk away. I think it’s a choice to stay with someone and build a life together. I want to build a life with someone. I’m done with casual or just fun. I still want to have fun but I’m getting ready for that point in my life where I make the choice and I’m no longer willing to settle. I don’t know if this guy is just about having fun. I probably should have found this out already haha. This by no means, means I’m ready to walk down the aisle tomorrow or in a year or even in four. This just means that I want a real life with someone. Someone that will stick around when I’m losing my mind or just wants to sit on the couch and watch movies or someone that is ok with, “It’s 11pm on a Thursday. Let’s go do something.” Someone who wants to live through the day-to-day boringness with me and doesn’t mind shaking it up here or there. Someone who will take care of me and let me take care of him. I want give and take. We’re taking our time getting to know each other. Which is good because I am holding myself off from jumping in and rushing things. It’s been almost three months and that’s barely a drop in the bucket of life. We’re taking it slow-ish. But it scares me that I don’t really know him. I don’t think he’s going to turn into a frog on me but what if we end up not really liking who the other person is? We’ll have invested time in each other and it’ll only hurt. Finally, it scares me that I feel there’s potential for me to really care about him. This gives me something to lose. I could end up loving him. Knowing this makes me hyperventilate a little. I could put it all out there and this could not work at all. I really don’t want to go through another soul crushing breakup. I haven’t communicated any of these fears to him yet. He’s not very good with emotions either. We take the easy way out and text each other difficult to say things which doesn’t really build any intimacy. That’s another of the ways I’m backsliding. I need to say how I feel to him, out loud. I can’t run. I also need to remember that being afraid of getting hurt will make me miss so many amazing things in life. I also need to stop worrying about “what if?” It makes my brain hurt. I need to stop trying to protect myself and let someone in. I won’t let my fears and past negative behavior run my life. Most importantly, I need to remember the good stuff. He makes me laugh. I like his arms around me. I make him laugh. He has let me drag him to so many festivals and street fairs. He’s handy. He is very kind. He’s artistic. He loves cats. He’s a gentleman. He doesn’t expect anything from me that I’m not willing to give. He’s musically inclined. He’s goofy. He’s handsome and has great hair. He’s patient. He appears to be very understanding which could bode well for me haha. When I think about him, I smile. I hear songs when I think about him.

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