Well I’m Rachel… But who am I really? I’ve been trying to figure this out lately. I feel like this is something most 20 somethings deal with. It’s ridiculous work trying to shape yourself, to get to the foundation of who you are. When I’m by myself, I have a pretty good idea of who I essentially am but throw me in a social situation or let me interact with family and I’m someone new or sometimes someone old who I’m not a huge fan of.
I’d like to think that I’ve become an optimist. I’m apparently a romantic. I believe in kindness towards others, even when they make it really hard. I think it’s important to find the joy in the little things in life. I believe in surrounding myself with bright colors and art and unique things. I think that being a slight mess is one of the best things about me. I never quite have it together. I don’t know if I ever will and I guess I’m ok with that because I can no longer try to be perfect. Being happy is a choice. I have some commitment issues but maybe that’s because I’m no longer willing to settle. I will never be able to fill the old fashioned, traditional view of a wife. I am just too weird. I find something to smile about every day. I am willing to try new things. I am a procrastinator. If something seems like a lot of work I will put it off until the last second and avoid it like the plague. I am intelligent but I know a little bit about a lot of things but very little about any one thing. I love my family but no longer feel the need to bend over backwards for them. I know when to seek help now whether it’s with a project, money or mental help and I can accept it graciously. I know there’s a difference between being independent and stubborn. I can accept others faults and not judge them for it. Everyone has their something. I laugh at weird things and sometimes when I probably shouldn’t but life and people are funny even when they’re not meaning to be. I am stronger than most people think I am, I’m just not as stoic as some would like.
I’ve been thinking about all of this for some time but this is the first time I’ve been completely honest about it and put it down in words. When I write it, it’s more true. Being true to yourself is hard. It’s especially hard when you’re afraid you won’t meet someone’s expectations if you say and do what you really believe. I’m trying to learn to not compromise myself for the benefit of others. I need to believe in myself more and set it all on the line more often. I’ll never get everything I hope for or even a little bit of what I want if I don’t try. Pardon my French but like I told my sister, “F**k ’em. So what if they don’t like you.” Life is too short to give up pieces of myself so that others will like me. I like me and that’s enough for now. Others do too and there will still be more people that like me because I am who I am…. I feel like Popeye now haha.