The Incredible Illusionist… Or Delusionist. Whichever You Prefer.

I’ve been afraid to write about some things lately because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings and I was afraid of showing that I’m still going through some stuff. I’m supposed to be 100% better now that I’ve gone and done all this hard work. I am so much better but I’m not cured. Although, what the hell does “cured” mean anyway?

I still find myself using the occasional negative self talk and I have been falling into some of my old patterns. I find the one thing that I’m not satisfied with and I zone in on it and I fixate. My latest fixation is my relationship with my ex. I can’t stop thinking about my feelings for him or our problems or how I would do things now. I know it’s not healthy to fixate. Honestly, with school being on break, I have way too much time to think about things. I’m one of those people who needs to be busy or I’m just going to internalize and analyze things to an unhealthy point. Although sometimes I keep myself so busy that I don’t take time to work on my problems. As always I have to find the balance in my life.

I was recently inspired by an awesome blog called Trafficked, which is written by an amazing woman, Elisabeth. I would suggest visiting her blog, the link is below. A word of warning, her journey has been quite difficult so be prepared for possible triggers if you’ve experienced abuse.

Her most recent post is about many things but the bit I related to most is where she discusses losing herself in a relationship. In the past I have turned myself utterly inside out for men, or in most cases boys. This happened in increments. I would make a concession or I would not say what I was feeling or I would do something for the guy that I would never do for anyone else because that’s what you do when you’re in love, isn’t it?

Then one day I’d wake up and wonder who am I? In one relationship, I stopped listening to music. If you know me, you know that music makes my world go round. I stopped listening to music because he was always complaining that it was too loud or he would rather watch tv while cooking and I shouldn’t listen to it while I’m in the shower because it’s discourteous to those around who don’t want to hear the music. I stayed at his place a lot so I stopped listening to music there and I let it follow me to my own place as well. I didn’t realize how much a part of me was missing until I went on vacation and listened to music almost all day for seven days straight. That was my wake up call.

I know now, that I did what these guys wanted me to and thought like they did because I wanted them to like me, to be happy with me, to not leave me. Most days I could care less what people think about me but I could not stand it if the man I was with found fault in me. It would break my heart. It would make me feel like I wasn’t worthwhile. I would actually ask myself, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I make him love me?”

It sounds like a lot of Daddy issues and abandonment issues and I suppose it is. I’m also a very sensitive person and as you can see from my last question above, I’m a bit of an emotional manipulator too. I think it’s a type of manipulation trying to be the woman you think a man wants. I didn’t have the courage to be myself. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to love me for me because what was inside me was ugly. I thought horrible thoughts about myself. I was never good enough. I was undeserving. Of course a lot of that goes back to my childhood, my developmental years. The people who were supposed to love me unconditionally had a lot of conditions. I always felt like I was falling short.

The last relationship I was in, it drove him bonkers that I would do stuff just because I thought it was what he wanted. He just wanted me to say what I wanted. I think there were times where he did try to press his beliefs on me. There were times where I tried the same but I suppose that’s somewhat natural. It drives me crazy now that I pushed away a man who actually wanted me for me.

Self doubt is a bitch. It is next to impossible to have a healthy relationship when you question everything you’re doing and try to mold yourself into something you are not. I have confidence now and I care about myself. I’d like to think that I wouldn’t lose myself in a relationship again.

I guess the future will be a real test of my new found confidence and self love. I think it would also show a certain level of respect and trust towards a man if I am just myself, make my own choices and am honest. I want to be me and I want to continue to enjoy all my glorious imperfections. It would be nice if someone else did as well.

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