Free to be Me and to New Beginnings

[Insert cheesy New Year post here haha]

It’s an annual tradition for my dad’s family to have dinner and begin the new year together at my parent’s house. This year I decided to sit it out. I have a superstitious streak and New Year’s Eve is no exception to my ridiculous delusions haha. I have this weird belief that whoever you spend your New Years with is how you’re going to spend the bulk of your year. How you spend New Year’s Eve is how you want the new year to look. You spend it with the person who means the most to you and you create a state of mind that you want live in throughout the year. It’s kinda crazy but it’s been so true for me so many years in the past.

I won’t go through and give examples of relationships and singleness and so on. That’s not the point. I am spending the evening before 2014 by myself, eating Chinese food, watching 80’s movies and blogging because I want 2014 to be purely for myself.

2013 was the hardest and best year of my life. I went through the wringer and I came out a better person. I started the year hating myself and ended it with actually liking myself. I’ve come to terms with my past. I’ve admitted my faults and I’ve laughed at them. Being self absorbed emotionally and having social anxiety can be funny. I’ve lived through the awkward moments to prove it. I’m still going to backslide. My mother can attest to this with a ridiculous, sobbing phone call on Christmas eve. I am resilient though. I am a tough bitch, who comes back swinging and gets things done (I feel like I had a Cool Runnings moment there haha). This past year I realized that I am awesome and can accomplish anything I want… Within reason, I’m no Picasso, obviously if you saw my last post.

I am so blessed to have experienced everything 2013 had to give but I have decided that 2014 is going to be my year. I don’t expect to get everything I want. I don’t even expect to get anything I want. I know that I will get what I deserve and need. I plan on actually performing in school. I’m no dummy and the procrastination is keeping me from that exceptional GPA that I totally can achieve. I will find a job that I am proud of. I will become even more accepting of my family and be more thankful that they love me. They may never be who I want them to be but they are good people and they deserve to be seen that way. Maybe I will find and keep love. Get the chance to start building a family. Even if none of this happens, I will still have me. Some days it still doesn’t feel like I’m enough but most days I am more than enough.

Anyone who has experienced abuse should know that life gets better and YOU deserve it to get better.

So for 2014 I’m going to dance with myself and feel incredibly blessed to do so. Happy New Year everyone.

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