King of the Mountain

I conquered the mountain and now I am king!

papa muntz

All joking aside, I just accomplished one of the most important feats in my life. I stood my ground and confronted my silent parent and my abuser. It was terrifying and I seriously thought about backing out but I’m so glad I didn’t.

I was so scared Friday night. I just kept thinking of how wrong it could go. Rejection is a part of life and it hurts but the thought of your parents rejecting you is a devastating thought. Especially, when I rationally know it wouldn’t be my fault. I was on the verge of a panic attack for the better part of the evening. Luckily a friend took mercy on me and talked me off the ledge. No matter the outcome, it was going to be a good thing for me. Talking to my parents was not going to be the worst thing that ever happened to me. I, obviously, have experienced worse times.

Saturday morning was another story. I definitely drug my feet getting ready. True to form, I was very late. This was one time where my defense mechanisms came in handy. I went numb. I just stopped feeling and went into autopilot. It kept me moving that car forward rather than tucking tail and running. I will say that the last 20 minutes of the drive were filled with dread haha. There’s only so much my brain can push down.

When I arrived at their house, it was pretty much straight to business. I talked to one parent and then the other. It was a different experience with both of them. I felt better after one and worse after the other and I definitely cried a lot during both conversations. They both gave excuses at first, but my non-defensive responses quelled those excuses. I was given a new perspective on their choices and decisions in the past. They also gained understanding of my behavior and life choices. I received real apologies from both of them. That felt pretty damn good. We agreed to be a little more open with communication. I hope we’re a little less harsh with the criticism of each other. We’re going to take it a day at a time.

Now do I think that my parents’ behavior will change drastically? Probably not. They were still saying some things that drove me crazy in the past. It comes from a place of love but the delivery is less than desirable. They’re proud people who fear change. In the end, it doesn’t really matter because I have changed. I received my apology and I have changed.

I have the ability to shape my life. I can control my reaction to their behavior. I can make my own choices. I have a better grasp of what is healthy and what isn’t. I just feel like I have been given an amazing opportunity now. I used my voice and it’s liberating…

Now what am I going  to write about? I can’t bitch about any of my parents anymore haha. In truth, I think that’s a really good thing. I’m sloughing off the negative. I have no more excuses for not making the most of my life. I’m going to have to continue to find the balance but that should be fun and not an obstacle. I’m also looking forward to creating a new goal. I have one in mind but it’s going to take a little research and a lot of work. Hopefully I’ll get to share it.

I forgot to say that I am lucky. I got the apology. Most people in my situation don’t get a chance to talk to their abuser, let alone receive a positive outcome. I am very thankful. God has given me people that truly care. They may be flawed but they’re human so it’s expected. I just feel very lucky and blessed.

She’s as silly as always but I can relate to the song. I have my voice now and I have to use it wisely.

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7 Responses to King of the Mountain

  1. Janet Marsano says:

    Love you, Rachel!

  2. Mimi says:

    Rachel, I have read all your stories,which made me do a lot of sole searching. I’m wondering what part I’ve played in my children’s lives and what apologies I need to make to them. Rachel you are so special to me, I hope we can talk soon. Call me any time. Mimi

  3. Michael says:

    To put it simply, and you know that’s hard for me:}, you are a rockstar!!!!!!! It’s difficult to face your fears. You’ve done that with good results. Keep doing what you’re doing, and find the positive. The positive will keep you moving in the right direction.

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