I started writing because I needed an outlet but also because I wanted to reach out to people. I think after living through child abuse there is a positive and a negative way to live your life. You can forever live with the victim and “poor me” mentality. You can live in the past and begrudge the present and future. You can sabotage everything in your life. You can throw your hands up, let life march past and drag you along.
I lived this and I’ve seen other child abuse survivors live the same life. I decided I no longer wanted any of this for myself. I want to be a healthy example for other survivors. Show people that you can heal and do it without living through your own personal hell daily. Life isn’t a big bad monster coming to get you. There are a million opportunities at your fingertips, you just have to want it badly enough and work for it.
I’m not going to blow smoke and say I’m living a completely exemplary life. I’m still struggling with many things. Some days I find it hard to get up. Some days I avoid doing everything that I’m supposed to be doing. I’m just glad that the next day, I pick myself up and I keep going.
Living a more positive lifestyle is working out. I’m able to do so much more. I’m able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m able to realize what I can handle and what I can’t. I’m able to see myself for what I am. I’m more self aware. I’m more confident. I’m more alive. I’m able to be there for the people I care about. I’m achieving again.
This happened because I accepted that I had and have a problem. I decided the remedy for that was counseling. I had some people nudge me along, as you saw in my last post. I talked about my feelings. Some feelings I didn’t even realize I had. I took advice and I actually followed it. I read a book and I read blogs and I read literature on child abuse. I did worksheets haha. I talked about my feelings to people outside of counseling. I was open and honest and raw. I wrote letters. I let others read those letters. I read those letters out loud. I read those letters out loud to someone. I cried a lot. I figured out what was healthy for me. I let go of some people, not gracefully though. Grace is something I lack haha, occasionally tact as well. I confronted my parent who wasn’t always there for me. I went to work. I went to school. I joined a support group. I called my silent parent and asked to set a date to talk to that parent and my abuser. That was a feat in and of itself and I’ll be jumping that final hurdle next weekend…. I kept moving forward.
I have accepted that:
I am not a bad person.
I am not misguided.
I am not at fault.
I am young.
I make mistakes.
I am not my mistakes.
I am loving.
I am kind.
I have a good heart.
I have ambition.
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Most importantly, that I have hope.
Hope has gotten me through all of this. Hope that I will be mentally healthy. Hope that I can keep this peace of mind. Hope that I will continue to find courage. Hope that I will find a successful job. Hope that I will mend my relationship with my sister. Hope that I will resolve my problems with my parents. Hope that I will find and keep love. Hope that I will have a family. This hope also gave me the knowledge that I will never be my parents. I will never cause the pain that they have. Hope is how I knew I could survive all that I have been through. Hope is how I know I will thrive. I’m still me but now I see that I am something new as well.
You can have everything you deserve in life.