“I’ll give it a try,” is something of a mantra I seem to be using this past week or so. I’ve done a few things that I wouldn’t normally do. All of these actions have been positive, it’s just a different experience.
Group therapy is becoming one of those “I’ll try it,” things. So far we’ve gone over subjects that I’ve already worked on in my own therapy. The repetition is a little annoying but I suppose a refresher never hurts. It’s also becoming easier to talk to people about my problems and sharing a little of my past. It makes it less painful and more of a matter of fact. There’s less emotion attached to my problems. I would say, though, that I don’t relate very well to my group members. They’re at very different points in their lives and I have no idea what any of those life experiences are like. I do know that I can learn from these people….
I am still being forced to do arts and crafts haha. I’m not a fan but I am trying. I do have to laugh, though. The counselor sets out the perimeters of the art exercise and then allows us to create. My group members are very meticulous and thoughtful in their arty endeavors. Me, I decide on an approach, I choose my tools and I execute immediately. I know that with these clumsy hands that perfection will not be achieved so I just try. I know what I like and I use it or make it. So basically I take five minutes to create something and sit around while my group members take another twenty. I just laugh at my skills and my thought process compared to others. I am my own person.
I am also trying to regain my focus. One thing that has been suffering intensely, is my attendance at school. I’ve just had a lot of anxiety about going because I’ve missed a few days and because of the personal life issues of the moment. I worry that the professor will judge me or the students will stare or wonder where I’ve been… Crazy, self important bullshit. I decided to snap out of it and realized that nobody cares if I’m in class or not. Nobody knows me. I am not even on their radar. So I took a big step and went to class on Thursday. I went to my professors’ office hours and I introduced myself, I vaguely explained my situation and asked to get caught up. Neither of my professors cared. They were both very understanding and were more than helpful. I learned that sometimes you just have to snap out of it, put yourself out there and people are mostly understanding. Asking for help is a huge step for me. I don’t do it. It means I’m weak, but in reality that’s not the truth. It just means I’m human.
The biggest thing I have done this week is call my silent parent. I asked if I could meet my parents and talk to them about what I’ve been doing in therapy. My silent parent was really cool about it. They said sure almost immediately. Then my silent parent uttered, “I suppose this has to do with things going back to your childhood?” I was really surprised that my silent parent asked that. My parents know. They had to know this was coming. I told that parent yes and that I’m just really ready to be done with all of it and that I would really like to talk to them about it. So I have a date set for about three weeks from now to talk to my parents. It’s a little scary but really comforting that they seem ok with it. It gives me hope. It still may not go well but there’s a chance it might. There is a chance that my parents and I will have a new relationship.
I am trying to take new steps in my life. I am continuing to be resilient and now assertive. I am on a freaking roll and I’m going to go with it… I even have new plans for a project.