Earlier this week I actually showed my blog to people which was a wholly terrifying experience It was met with mixed reviews. Some people were very proud, some were completely silent on the subject and some were less than pleased. All of this is to be expected when you’re rocking the boat.
I have kept the news of the blog from anyone who would discuss it with my abuser or silent parent. I have not yet confronted them and I wouldn’t want my words thrown in their faces before I had a chance to properly talk to them and also tell them what I’ve been up to. I respect their right to privacy at the moment. I’m not sure that I will always feel that way. I want to start living my life out loud. I’d like to stop hiding. I know I will figure out the right way to go about it all. I have been uncharacteristically careful with my choices lately haha. For once, I don’t feel like a bull in china shop trampling through my life.
Although, it was brought to my attention that it could appear as if I’ve portrayed my parents as complete monsters. I don’t believe that’s what I’m putting out there but I will say that they are not monsters. It wasn’t all bad, there were good times, there are good times but that doesn’t excuse the damage that was done. They were human, they’re still human and they make mistakes. It’s just that in this case, their mistakes have effected those close to them.
Some don’t understand because my sisters don’t seem all that harmed. I think that’s somewhat debatable. Each of my sisters and I have had different experiences with my parents. My sisters are younger and the product of my silent parent’s second marriage. They’re younger and don’t remember as much as I do. By the time they were old enough to know what was going on, our lives had changed completely.
Plus the oldest is always the guinea pig. Try this, try that, “Does it work? No? Guess we shouldn’t do that again.” I’ve lived a very different life than my sisters. I’ve lived a very different life than most of the people in my family. I’m glad they haven’t had to experience a lot of what I have. It causes a gap sometimes but it just is what it is. I get to be who I am because of what I have gone through and what I have done since. I don’t know if I would change that.
Anyway plugging my blog and putting myself out there has brought forth people in my life that I’m very grateful for. It’s given me a second chance at a relationship with others. It’s given me some new perspective. It’s helped me to prepare more for my confrontation. I feel the future coming, I’m scared of it but I know there will be relief and that I’ll be better for it. Change happens whether you want it to or not… This time I am accepting change.
Now this video has nothing to do with my post but I think my Uncle Joe will be quite happy with it haha.