Wishin’ and Hopin’

If only it were as easy as holding and kissing and loving someone for it to work out. I’ve mentioned that recently I’ve experienced a breakup. I’m wrestling between it crushing me and being ok with it. We’re in each other’s lives in another capacity now and I’m glad for that. It’s just that there are some days where I miss him immensely. I miss seeing his face, I miss being in his arms, I miss hearing him speak about all of the things rolling around in his head. The little things and the big things.

I miss being able to share the good things happening in my life. Today I found out I have an interview for an internship and I was so excited. My first thought was that I wanted to text him and tell him but then I remembered that that probably crosses the line. He had a huge milestone about two weeks ago and I didn’t hear about it until this past Sunday. In the past, I would have been the first person to hear about it and now we hear about things when we’re catching up each other up. I am very grateful that I get that opportunity at all but it still hurts.

He’s still here to help me through the journey I’m on. I am so lucky for that. We still have enough respect and care for each other that we are more than willing to lend support. Some people can’t even do that.

It wasn’t all bad when we were together and it wasn’t all good. We both have our faults and we’re both trying to adjust to all the new changes in our lives. That puts a great amount of pressure on a new relationship and it didn’t help that I sent us through emotional rollercoasters as well. I mean that’s probably a normal thing to have occur when you start having emotions again but it doesn’t make it easy for someone else to deal with.

There’s the argument that if we were meant to be that we would have been able to work through all of it together. Who knows? Honestly, who knows? I don’t think love is easy. I think it’s hard as hell and anyone who says differently is full of it. I’ve watched my parents and I’ve watched my grandparents and it’s hard for them sometimes. There are ups and downs and there have been times when one of them or both have wanted to walk away. There were times early on in their relationships that they basically did.

I’m going to keep hoping but I’m going to keep moving forward. It’s not healthy to pour all your energies into a possible lost cause. St. Jude can only help so much haha (patron saint of lost causes). I’m going to paste that smile on and keep moving forward and just hope that God will give me what I’m supposed to have.

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